Self Love Saturday: Don’t stay past the lessons you’ve already been taught

We have various people come into our lives for a reason. We willingly welcome those who love us and make us feel good whilst begrudgingly tolerating those who hurt us. In fact, many of us struggle to even understand why they entered our lives due to the pain they caused us.

Pain doesn’t feel good. It can be truly heart wrenching.

The funny thing is, everyone has the desire to become stronger. We all want to grow in life. No one wants to stay stagnant. Yet we don’t want to get hurt but we need those tough times to grow. We need those people that hurt us to grow.

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For example, with heartbreak. Whether it’s from the end of relationships, friendships or getting rejected from your dream job – it’s what tears us up inside yet after we heal from it we feel stronger. We become unbreakable. Indestructible. Nothing can ever tears us down like that again. It’s like scar tissue, once our wounds heal and we grow new skin there’s a noticeable difference in the texture that is thicker and more robust that the skin that lay there before. It serves as a testament that says “I’ve been hurt but you can’t hurt me the same way before” and signifies our growth.

That’s the great idyllic, poetry-sounding part. But have you ever had those scabs that you keep picking at that your mum would tell you not to because it wouldn’t heal properly? But you don’t listen so it becomes a habit, like second nature. You end up replaying the same narratives from that one horrible experience. You play the same story from that experience into your new experiences using that emotional trauma as a blueprint. You date that new guy and when he displays one similar trait as your ex you start presuming he must possess all the negative traits your ex had so you immediately put your walls up. Or you get afraid when you’re hanging out with a new group of girls because you were bullied relentlessly in secondary school when you were 11 by girls so you become socially anxious when it comes to hanging out with a new group of girls who you fear will eventually turn on you.

Here’s the truth – each person who enters our life provides us with something we need. Some of those less desirable needs is strength. A lot of the ways we encounter about our strength is unkind. Its from the times we find ourselves drowning in our emotions. As humans, to comfort ourselves we can stay in that hurt because it feels familiar. If we make friends with hurt and treat it like a roommate then it can’t be an intruder.

But what you don’t realise is that you’re depriving yourself from living in a new beautiful apartment with new furniture that you deserve.

To be able to do this it’s important to acknowledge the trauma and sit in those uncomfortable and difficult emotions and be loving towards yourself in healing them. The only way you can heal that trauma or from a painful experience is if you confront it because once you go back and make peace with the core of those wounds, you don’t have to go back there every again and it will stop controlling aspects of your life robbing you from experiencing true joy.

Then, take some time to sit down and actually write down a list, in-depth of what you learnt from that experience. Did it make you realise how strong you are? Did it allow you to be more compassionate to those who suffered the same so you could support them? Did it make you a better, more kind hearted person? Those are invaluable lessons that give you power. This is not for you to do as an invitation for pity towards yourself but to recognise that it gave you power. And that’s something nothing and no one can ever take away from you.

Those people who hurt you made you stronger but only meant to be in your life for a season and served their reason. Don’t carry wounds that make you stay longer in the lesson you’ve already learnt from. It’s served its purpose. It gave you what it was meant to.

Most importantly, it gave you the education you needed to progress to be who you are meant to be. You couldn’t be the amazing person you’re destined to be without those people and the wisdom they gave you. You may not realise it now but difficult experiences in our lives is what gives birth to ambition and a relentless drive to live a better life. Embrace it, it’s only given you the fuel to get to your destination of your dreams.

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